Emily M. Brown Hurt and humiliated, betrayed partners feel justified in taking immediate action. But certain actions cannot be undone. People make a mistake by rushing out to get a divorce lawyer or telling their friends about the disloyalty. For example, if you tell your family about your partner’s disloyalty and you remain together, you’ll face a double hurdle: mending your marital relationship and the relationship between your partner and your family, who will make your partner angry for hurting you. During this phase I advise the betrayed partner to slow down and keep from overreacting. If you want to save your marriage, your best move is to wait for your head to clear. Shirley Zussman Other betrayed partners established a position of moral superiority. Some wives bring up their husband’s affair ten years after it’s over. They use the affair as a weapon for self- justification. The idea is: "This is such a bad person, I’m a saint to live with him." Unfortunately, this attitude makes it impossible to repair your relationship and move on. Park Ridge As a woman slid into the passenger side of her husband’s car, she discovered in the seat a bottle of pills prescribed to another woman. Turning to her husband of 30 years, she asked, "What’s this I don’t know." he muttered. Eventually, he confessed that he was involved with the stranger. The wife was hurt, and in the following weeks demanded to know details of his love affair: how he had met the woman, where they had made love, what girls he had given her. He finally answered all her questions truthfully. At first I held back because I was afraid of hurting her. But when I got caught in a lie, it made everything worse. Dr. Pittman Before healing can occur, the betrayer must end the affair. For some this is extremely difficult, for an affair gives them an emotional high and seems to be a quick fix for their problems. Hot, forbidden sex is sex without responsibility. You change partners instead of changing life circumstances. Such sex is never a long-term cure. Idealized, romantic affairs are based on illusion rather than reality, and illusion is difficult to maintain. The betrayer can imagine his lover has all the qualities his partner lacks. But true intimacy is based on genuine mutual understanding and the ability to acknowledge and accept each other’s flaws and weakness. Seifer Most couples are hurt by disloyalty. As a result, no healing can take place until you acknowledge your wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness. Otherwise, your partner will remain angry--and suspect that you will start again. Admitting guilt can be particularly difficult for betrayers who blame their partners for their disloyalty. But having an affair has little to do with how good your marriage or sex life is. A person can’t be driven to have an affair. Pointing the finger at your partner may help relieve your own guilt, but it will cause even more trouble on your marriage. By working through the problems that cause the disloyalty, you can save your relationship. Now match each of the persons (16 to 20) to the appropriate statement. Note: there are two extra statements.A. Keep secrets.B. Face reality.C. Stop fighting fire with fire.D. Avoid doing something abrupt.E. Expect things to be the same.F. Tell the truth.G. Admit you were wron Dr. Pittman